Who's Crazier Anyway? An Anniversary Blog

Did you know that I almost didn’t get married?  Yep, I was so flustered and frustrated with everything going on that a couple of days before the wedding I almost called the whole thing off.  I became so upset and felt that I didn’t know who this person I was marrying.  Did I catch him cheating?  No.  Did he physically abuse me?  Hah!  Let’s see him try.  Many people have asked what he did so wrong, but I have kept it all inside me (with the exception of a chosen few) and for the very first time, I am about to divulge the one thing he did that almost made me a runaway bride.  I hope that the heavens above forgive me for what I’m about to reveal.  Here it is.  He…..forgot……to give…..the CD…..to our DJ!  Oh, the horror!

LOL!  Sad as it was, that was the awful truth.  I was ready to call off the wedding because he forgot to do the one thing I had asked him to do the week before we were about to get married.  Petty as it was, the preparation had finally gotten to me at that point and I was a walking time bomb.  Looking back, it really wasn’t a big deal, but in my mind, everything was blown out of proportion and with Cookie Monster forgetting the CD, my head compounded it to “This is not the only time he’d forget something” or, “what else will he forget?”  What about his vows?  Will he forget that too?  To a rational mind, that is the most ridiculous thing one could hear, but to a bride, nothing is far-fetched.

Nonetheless, I’m glad that the cooler, more rational Poch emerged from that situation.  You see, it is not about the wedding, but the marriage.  Throughout the years we’ve been together, Cookie Monster has always been patient with me.  He knew about my whims and craziness even before he asked me to marry him.  Don’t get me wrong, he sometimes loses his cool when I become the two-headed monster (and vice versa….he’s no angel, you know!).  Nonetheless, he has accepted me wholeheartedly for what I am and wouldn’t expect me to change.  Because of that acceptance, I strive to be a better person who much deserves the unconditional love that Cookie Monster gives.  I fail at times, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. 

Now, we are celebrating our 6^th year-anniversary, and we’ve never had a fight (insert sarcasm here)...LOL!  However, between the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and everything else in between, the one thing I am certain is that I never regret not taking Monsignor Schuster’s advice of running before I take my vows and say “I do.”  We’re still in our honeymoon stage, I’m sure, but I think....no, I'm sure that there is nobody in this world who can tame the craziness inside me other than the one I am married to. 

Happy Anniversary, Charles Thomas Barrett.  I love you.  

On Friendship....Part I (of many parts)

Not too long ago, a friend of mine was defriended by one of our mutual friends on Facebook.  Let’s call them friend D and friend C. Now, most sane people would say, so what? It’s just Facebook.  However, you have to consider two things – one, Facebook has become a vital part of our livelihood, together with Twitter, Google+, etc, and two, the majority of my friends are not sane….lol!  Anyway, friend D got disconnected from friend C’s circle of friends not because she did her wrong or she betrayed her.  Quite frankly, if I’m going to base it on what friend D told me, it was quite mundane.  It was because friend D didn’t report to friend C what one of our other mutual friend was going through and that, although friend C had picked a fight with the mutual friend months before, leading to a public blow out (on Facebook, of course, and yes, I saw it unravel…lol!), friend C felt that she was owed to be told since she is supposedly the closest to the mutual friend.  I’m pretty sure there were more underlying circumstances other than the reason I was told, but at the end of the day, the question that goes through my mind is, if friend C was really interested, why didn’t she contact our mutual friend?

Now, I’m not going to pretend I know what’s going through friend C’s mind.  I’m one of those people who do not ask because it is not in my place to insert myself in a situation unless I was asked to be a part of it.  However, I can’t help but wonder why we feel entitled to other people’s situations?  It is one thing if one of my very good friends come to me and confided about what they’re going through, but it’s a whole different ballgame if I spread their circumstances to the world.  On a personal level, it wouldn’t bother me if people knew about the things I went and have been going through.  The way I look at it, if I really want to keep it a secret, I wouldn’t have told anybody to begin with.  However, not all people are like me.  Most people want their privacy and they will tell the world their circumstances when they are ready to do so.  That day may never come, but it is their prerogative with whom they need to share or not share the information with.

In the scenario mentioned, there are a lot of questions that go through my mind.   However, for the purpose of this topic, the one question that I am trying to fathom is, why did she take it so hard that she was not informed of our mutual friend’s current state?  It would have been easier to understand if I didn’t know about how scathing she could be and that the things that she said made several people guarded with her.  I just really don’t understand why she got angry that she wasn’t one of the first one to know amongst our group of friends.  Why is it very hard for many people to accept that they will not be privy to all kinds of sensitive information all the time?  Have we gone really arrogant that we shudder at the though that not everybody confides in us?

Many of my friends have told me that they feel like they can confide in me all the time.  While that is really flattering, I honestly don’t think that they tell me everything that goes on with their lives, and don’t expect them to.  The only things I offer my friends are my ears for listening, my shoulder to cry on, and my heart for compassion.  In my humble opinion, that is the basic foundation of friendship. 

So, going back to my story, one, I hope friend D will not get angry for me telling the situation.  Friend C has defriended me as well, so I’m pretty sure this will just add to the things that she’s angry about with me (I honestly don’t know why, and at this point, I’ve given up all hope in trying to understand her).  Nonetheless, the one thing we need to realize is that, our friends don’t owe us anything but friendship and vice versa.  If we cannot accept that, then we’re not really friends to begin with.  

COMPLACENCY

I haven’t blogged in a while for a lot of reasons, but mainly because there really is nothing out there that piqued my interest.  It seems to me that it is still business as usual.  I’ve tried writing stuff about social events, current news and affairs, things that really should matter.  However, at the end of the day, I really don’t want to talk about something that has been hashed and rehashed over and over again.  Up until now.

Recently, I just got a promotion at work.  Of course, it was exciting and all, but that’s not what the topic of this blog is.  As long as I have worked with this company, I have been lucky enough to work with people I have had professional interactions in the past.  It helps, most especially since I wouldn’t have to start new working relationships with people I do not know.  Of the three times I have transferred, I knew at least 2 or 3 people in the group I was transferring into, so there is some sort of comfort zone already.  I figured, I won’t have to deal with new characters and wouldn’t have to size up people again.  Then again, I wouldn’t be a Rosedelian if things happen routinely.  In this case, I was transferred to a whole new ballgame – I have been transferred to work with people I have not even had a chance to say hi to.

So, when I started to work with my new group, I was brought back to that old, jittery feeling of being the new kid in school.  As most of those who personally know me, I have transferred to so many schools that I’m always the new kid in town.  You’d think that I should be used to it by now, but like I said, my prior transfers were very convenient in terms of working with familiar names and faces, it felt as if you were just meeting friends at different times and places.  However, this brand new transfer took me out of the comfort zone that I have been accustomed to.  In short, I became very complacent.

I guess that’s what I’m running my ahead up and about these days – complacency.  Often times, we have gotten so used to our daily routines and familiar surroundings that we tend to take for granted the things that we usually do.  For example, I have become so used to driving around to go places, near or far, that I never really thought about how it would be without a car.  Then, just last Tuesday, my truck finally said, “Eff it, I’m retiring,” and just wouldn’t start.  Even after getting it fixed and spending sizable amount of money to get it running, it has finally decided to die.  So, here I am, at the mercy of people who have cars to drive me around whilst I wait until I can buy another one, feeling as if I’m naked and exposed.  For the first time in a very long time, I feel as if I can’t do a darn thing.  Heck, I didn’t feel as helpless as I do now as when I lost my leg…LOL!

I heard on the radio last week that some people are afraid to divorce their spouses and would rather stay in a loveless marriage because they’re afraid to be alone again.  They figured that it would be easier to stay in a loveless relationship rather than start back from square one and search for the right one.   Even worse, people who are victims of abusive relationship would use their faith, saying that they entered into a marriage of vows – for better or for worse, in sickness and in health….yeah, I know the vows.  I recited them when I get married.  However, I don’t think God had planned for you to stay and die just because of your vows.  I think that using your faith is very easy albeit cowardly reason to use as an excuse.   If you really believe in your faith, then you would remember that Jesus also said, “Love one another as I love you,” which, if I remember my Theology class, is overwrites all the other commandments.  If that person loves you, then they wouldn’t hurt you.  In my humble opinion, people stay in abusive relationships because it would be easier to put up with the punches rather than start all over again.  In short, they became complacent.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that being complacent is all bad.  I mean, I’m very happy and content to be waking up to my husband’s snoring, and quite frankly, I don’t think I have a good night sleep without it….lol!   However, if we have become so used to things being the same over and over again, then the question I would ask is, what would you do if that complacency is taken away from you? 

The danger of being complacent is that somehow, we have become so accustomed to routines that we react negatively once our comfort zone is disturbed.  In the case of my new work assignment, I have to make sure that I don’t shock the new group I work with my bluntness and humor.  (Yeah, I gave them 2 weeks before I let them taste my humor – and they still like me. WINNING!) In most cases though, people react to changes aggressively that at times, they don’t see how they are in fact, hurting themselves more.  I mean, what if all the vegetables in the world have been forever wiped out and the only abundant food source we have is meat?  How would our vegan friends react to that?  Easy to say you’d rather die, but really, have you really been in a situation when the only thing you can eat is the one thing you say you’d never eat?  I mean, for crying out loud, my husband gives me the stinky eye when I suggest that maybe we should start becoming vegetarians.....lol!

I guess the question going through my head is, what do you do if you’re taken out of your comfort zone?  Do you try to take yourself back to that Zen where everything is just perfect, or do you proactively try to cope and see if you can adjust to the change?  There’s no right or wrong way to go about it, just your way.  Either way you go, it’s always YOUR choice.

Chop Chop

Let me take you back to one morbid day in November.  Thanksgiving was just around the corner, but somehow, there was this girl who just didn’t think there was anything to be thankful for.  She woke up from an already sleepless night, and her husband felt as if he was about to send her to a slaughterhouse.  When she got to the hospital, she checked in, trying to clear her head of what’s about to come to pass.  She tried thinking of work, of vacation, of anything that’ll distract her, but her eyes knew the inevitable is to come.  She was wheeled in the prep room, dreading of what was to come next.  The floodgates burst open and she started to cry.  

Her husband, feeling helpless and desperate, took a deep sigh and said, “You don’t have to go through it.  Just say the word, and we’re out of here.”  The nurse was taking too long, there is still time to bust out of that joint.  She decided to put on her pants, but just as when she was about to zip it, the nurse comes in and started hooking her to the machine.  Two anesthesiologists came in and explain what was about to happen  -- in three seconds after administering the anesthesia, she would go to sleep.  Just before they pumped the drug, she looked at her husband, took a deep breath, kissed him, and said, “I love you, I’ll see you when I wake up.”

It felt like she just took a 10-minute nap, but in fact, she has been in surgery for 4 hours.  When she woke up, she was greeted by a nurse with a sweet, motherly smile.  “How are you feeling,” the nurse asked.  She felt alright, so she just gave a smile and a nod.  She didn’t feel any different.  There was no pain, no tinge, nothing.  Maybe they changed their minds, she thought.  Maybe the doctor decided that it wasn’t worth going through it.  Then again, she’s not one to just go with wishful thinking.  She gathered all the confidence she could muster, looked under the blanket so she could see for herself, and she realized, it was gone.  Her left leg had been amputated.  

She then reassessed her situation.  How does she feel?  What is she thinking?  How the heck is she going to the bathroom now?  Oh, and the boots she just bought before the diagnosis….she’ll be damned if somebody wears that other than her!  Then, she realized that it wasn’t really that bad.  She didn’t feel any differently.  Crazy as it was, she thought that there would be something lacking, something that she’ll always miss.  She felt that she would never be complete, not just physically, ever again.  She started to feel like her old self.  Then, her sister came, all somber and about to cry.  This would be the biggest test the girl would ever face.  Would she cry with her sister ?  Would she be depressed?  The answer would come in a matter of minute.

Her Ate (pronounced ah-teh) stood by her bedside, asking how she was doing.  Alright, she answered.  She wasn’t lying.  Yet, her sister tried so hard not to say much because she was about to flood the whole recovery floor of the hospital.  Desperate, the girl told her sister, “Look under my sheet, Ate.”  Her sister was perturbed.  “What?” “Just look under.  I need you to look at something.”  Ate was getting uncomfortable.  She didn’t want to look because she knew she would not be able to handle it.  But the girl insisted.  “You got to look, because I can’t see it for myself.”  Finally, Ate relented and she lifted the sheet.  Under it, the girl lifted her stump, waved it up and down, and she said, “My leg says hi!”  Her Ate as well as the motherly nurse who witnessed it started laughing.  Her husband came to the room as well, and when they told him what the girl did, he breathed a sigh of relief.  Then, the girl thought to herself, “I’m still here.”

Okay, if you didn’t know who the girl was, that girl was me, and the whole scenario was exactly how the whole day unfolded.   By no means am I making light of how hard it is to be amputated, but all truly, it is not the amputation that burdened my heart.  Nobody wants to ever lose any part of their limbs, and deciding on the amputation was one of the hardest decisions I have had to face thus far.  It is almost as if you were given a choice of punishment, and you will have to choose between getting eaten by an alligator or mangled by a shark.  Either way, it sucks.  

However, looking back, I realized it wasn’t the amputation that bothered me, or the inability to do the things I used to – walk aimlessly, go places as I please, swim, things that I took for granted since I never thought I’d lose my leg.  Oddly enough, I really thought that by losing my leg, I will not be complete at all, as if a part of me will be forever taken away.  I thought that the Pochie that everybody knows will never be the same.  It wasn’t until my sister visited me right after my surgery did I realize that I could be limbless and still be complete.  The amputation did not take my sense of humor.  My convictions are still as stubborn as before the surgery.   I still am conflicted who’s hotter – Orlando Bloom or Eric Bana….hah!  

Some would think it crazy why anyone would think that way.  Heck, I was one of those people who didn’t understand up until my surgery why people think that losing a part of their body would take away their personality.  However, I have since come to the realization that it is not just about the limb, but when your sense of comfort has been disturbed, you start questioning if everything and anything will ever be the same again.   It is very hard to look passed the small picture of losing a limb, many people don’t realize that it is beyond the physical loss that bothers them, but the aftermath.  I guess in my case, it was important for me to know that I would still be me, perverted mind and all.  Luckily, I’m also hardheaded and hate to have anything or anybody tell me what I can and cannot do.  I suppose everybody has their own resolve.

So, I’m a certified amputee.  Heck, I have my two prosthetics to prove it….LOL!  In the end, I am just glad to have realized that I may have lost my limb, but I am still intact.  If anything, it has strengthened my character even more and I really do feel that I can do almost anything.  Besides, I like my reserved parking spot.  :-D