Let me take you back to one morbid day in November. Thanksgiving was just around the corner, but somehow, there was this girl who just didn’t think there was anything to be thankful for. She woke up from an already sleepless night, and her husband felt as if he was about to send her to a slaughterhouse. When she got to the hospital, she checked in, trying to clear her head of what’s about to come to pass. She tried thinking of work, of vacation, of anything that’ll distract her, but her eyes knew the inevitable is to come. She was wheeled in the prep room, dreading of what was to come next. The floodgates burst open and she started to cry.
Her husband, feeling helpless and desperate, took a deep sigh and said, “You don’t have to go through it. Just say the word, and we’re out of here.” The nurse was taking too long, there is still time to bust out of that joint. She decided to put on her pants, but just as when she was about to zip it, the nurse comes in and started hooking her to the machine. Two anesthesiologists came in and explain what was about to happen -- in three seconds after administering the anesthesia, she would go to sleep. Just before they pumped the drug, she looked at her husband, took a deep breath, kissed him, and said, “I love you, I’ll see you when I wake up.”
It felt like she just took a 10-minute nap, but in fact, she has been in surgery for 4 hours. When she woke up, she was greeted by a nurse with a sweet, motherly smile. “How are you feeling,” the nurse asked. She felt alright, so she just gave a smile and a nod. She didn’t feel any different. There was no pain, no tinge, nothing. Maybe they changed their minds, she thought. Maybe the doctor decided that it wasn’t worth going through it. Then again, she’s not one to just go with wishful thinking. She gathered all the confidence she could muster, looked under the blanket so she could see for herself, and she realized, it was gone. Her left leg had been amputated.
She then reassessed her situation. How does she feel? What is she thinking? How the heck is she going to the bathroom now? Oh, and the boots she just bought before the diagnosis….she’ll be damned if somebody wears that other than her! Then, she realized that it wasn’t really that bad. She didn’t feel any differently. Crazy as it was, she thought that there would be something lacking, something that she’ll always miss. She felt that she would never be complete, not just physically, ever again. She started to feel like her old self. Then, her sister came, all somber and about to cry. This would be the biggest test the girl would ever face. Would she cry with her sister ? Would she be depressed? The answer would come in a matter of minute.
Her Ate (pronounced ah-teh) stood by her bedside, asking how she was doing. Alright, she answered. She wasn’t lying. Yet, her sister tried so hard not to say much because she was about to flood the whole recovery floor of the hospital. Desperate, the girl told her sister, “Look under my sheet, Ate.” Her sister was perturbed. “What?” “Just look under. I need you to look at something.” Ate was getting uncomfortable. She didn’t want to look because she knew she would not be able to handle it. But the girl insisted. “You got to look, because I can’t see it for myself.” Finally, Ate relented and she lifted the sheet. Under it, the girl lifted her stump, waved it up and down, and she said, “My leg says hi!” Her Ate as well as the motherly nurse who witnessed it started laughing. Her husband came to the room as well, and when they told him what the girl did, he breathed a sigh of relief. Then, the girl thought to herself, “I’m still here.”
Okay, if you didn’t know who the girl was, that girl was me, and the whole scenario was exactly how the whole day unfolded. By no means am I making light of how hard it is to be amputated, but all truly, it is not the amputation that burdened my heart. Nobody wants to ever lose any part of their limbs, and deciding on the amputation was one of the hardest decisions I have had to face thus far. It is almost as if you were given a choice of punishment, and you will have to choose between getting eaten by an alligator or mangled by a shark. Either way, it sucks.
However, looking back, I realized it wasn’t the amputation that bothered me, or the inability to do the things I used to – walk aimlessly, go places as I please, swim, things that I took for granted since I never thought I’d lose my leg. Oddly enough, I really thought that by losing my leg, I will not be complete at all, as if a part of me will be forever taken away. I thought that the Pochie that everybody knows will never be the same. It wasn’t until my sister visited me right after my surgery did I realize that I could be limbless and still be complete. The amputation did not take my sense of humor. My convictions are still as stubborn as before the surgery. I still am conflicted who’s hotter – Orlando Bloom or Eric Bana….hah!
Some would think it crazy why anyone would think that way. Heck, I was one of those people who didn’t understand up until my surgery why people think that losing a part of their body would take away their personality. However, I have since come to the realization that it is not just about the limb, but when your sense of comfort has been disturbed, you start questioning if everything and anything will ever be the same again. It is very hard to look passed the small picture of losing a limb, many people don’t realize that it is beyond the physical loss that bothers them, but the aftermath. I guess in my case, it was important for me to know that I would still be me, perverted mind and all. Luckily, I’m also hardheaded and hate to have anything or anybody tell me what I can and cannot do. I suppose everybody has their own resolve.
So, I’m a certified amputee. Heck, I have my two prosthetics to prove it….LOL! In the end, I am just glad to have realized that I may have lost my limb, but I am still intact. If anything, it has strengthened my character even more and I really do feel that I can do almost anything. Besides, I like my reserved parking spot. :-D
