2008 started out a great year for me. I was on the top of my game with work and was being honed to the next step of my career. Cookie Monster and I decided to start our own family. We were thinking of buying our own house so that we could actually become a family unit most couples dream of. And to top it all off, I went to my first ever vacation cruise. Yep, 2008 started really big and thought that it was going to be the best year of my life. Or so I thought.
June 2008. After a supposed routine surgery to remove a benign tumor, that is when my bliss went down the drain. The surgeon who operated on me was initially optimistic, but after he had done a routine biopsy of the tumor, it turned out that it was malignant. He sent it twice for testing, but the inevitable still came out – I had cancer.
When Dr. H gave Cookie Monster and me the we-have-to-talk speech, it was a surreal moment. Of course, in true Pochie form, I was making fun of what he just told me. When he told me that it is very rare for an orthopedist to make this diagnosis after the surgery, I remember telling him, “Well, of course, it had to be me that you’ll diagnose it with. I’m special!” and started laughing. I don’t know who was more scared, him or me. Truth is, I was actually waiting for him to say afterwards, “Happy April Fool’s!” even though it was June. I mean, seriously, of all things, Cancer? Son of a bitch!
The very first thing I did after that visit was call my boss to tell him that the 3-month leave was going to be extended to probably a year. Of course, he asked me why and had to explain it to him that since I don’t want to go back yet, I had myself diagnosed with osteosarcoma. I don’t think he liked my joke that much….lol! I know what you’re thinking – why did I tell my boss first. You see, you have to understand, for me to start thinking logically, I have to do the most illogical response first. That way, I can tell myself to snap out of it and start thinking of my next step. After that conversation, I looked at Cookie Monster and started doing what most people don’t know I’m capable of doing – I started to cry.
Unlike most people afflicted with it, I didn’t do any research on cancer. Why should I? I took enough Science classes to understand what it is. It is not a laughing matter, I know, but I don’t need to know how it’s going to kill me. Many people, bless their hearts, started sending me literature and information on what to expect. Okay, for the first time, I’m going to admit this – I didn’t read any of them, except for one book. All truly, I didn’t see the need to know that cells in my body started to emulate my character and became independent thinkers on their own….lol! All I really cared about was how I was gonna look without hair!
I went with my mom and brother half-heartedly to MD Anderson for consultation. The way I looked at it, I’ll just go to satisfy those around me, but I wasn’t going for the treatment. If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die my way. Of course, when I went to see Dr. L, the very first thing she told me was, “The leg is gonna have to go.” That’s when all hell broke loose. I told her to go fuck herself and if she really wanted to amputate, then she can go cut her own leg. Okay, okay….that’s not what I said, but I sure as heck did think it! I looked at her and said, “I don’t have to lose anything because you’re just consulting with me and if you’re telling me that I’m gonna lose my leg, then I’ll take my chances with it intact.” That is when she brought in Dr. B. Apparently, it is a consultation with both surgeon and oncologist, so I have to meet with both of them. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. L is one of the excellent surgeons in the country, but it probably has been a while since she met a fellow New Yorker, so our characters pretty much clashed. Dr. B, on the other hand, is very fatherly. Plus, he probably read me and knew how to get me to do things. The conversation with him was pretty much a back and forth, clash of the wills kind of thing. However, the one thing that, up to this day, stuck in my head to make me think things through was when he said, “You have a 70% chance of beating this if you act now. Why are you being selfish and letting this chance go when most people who are in the last stages of cancer and have zero chance of surviving are more than willing to do what you are not?” Seriously, how do you answer that? I still think it’s Divine intervention. How else does he know that guilt is my biggest weakness?
Even after that conversation with Drs. L and B, I was still hesitant to go through the treatment. All I could think about are the things that I have yet to do – go on vacation, go on the helicopter training for work, try to have a baby. Just when I have already made up my mind that I’m not going through it, a little child, a little boy, probably 8 but no older than 10, started running around the cafeteria. The kid was bald, glowing, and bloated – the look of a chemo patient. Although he looked tired, he had that smile on his face that you could not wipe. He was just walking around as if the world is his playground, and not even caring at the people around him giving him the “I’m sorry” look. This kid, a cancer patient, was taking his storm in stride and giving cancer a kick in the ass. That’s when the voice inside me asked, “If this kid can do it, what are you so afraid of? What’s the big deal?” Right then and there, I decided.
So, it has been a little over two years now since I was diagnosed with bone cancer. This coming February, it will be two years since my last treatment. In between, I have gone to Canada, gone back to work, and now, looking forward to what the future brings. There are a lot of curve balls still being pitched my way, but none as serious as the cancer diagnosis. Yet, here I am, telling you what my experience with the disease was.
Sometimes, I hear people call it the Big C. However, I remember that kid in the cafeteria and ask, what’s so big about cancer anyway? Mine was just as big as a golf ball. I may have had cancer, but it didn’t have me. Even if it returns with a vengeance, then it can go shove itself where the high heavens don’t even want to know where, because I will never allow it to have me. I will still have the last say on when to say when.
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