A Love Story

15 years ago, I was asked to go to a Catholic Youth Convention by my high school because, well, they knew I had nothing else better to do.  I went because it meant a credit towards my Religion class, and besides, I had some friends who went to that other school we were going to.  I figured, we were all going to meet there and hang out at Caldor next door, so we wouldn’t really be staying in the school as much.  It was just an ordinary day.

I arrived at the school and saw one of my friends as planned.  However, I keep on forgetting that Big Kahuna, as she’ll be called and I’ll leave it to your imagination why we call her that, was a very active student in that school.  Why I didn’t think she’d be a volunteer in the convention, I had no idea.  So, I talked to BK for a while, and she told me that she met this new girl (whom we are going to call J) and asked me to sit with her. I said, sure, why not. The girls from my school disappeared to see their friends as well, so why not make a new friend, right?  J and I started with the formalities and she was nice, although very……….open when it comes to talking about her personal life.  In the 10 minutes we have spoken, I pretty much knew what kind of guy she was looking for….lol! 

After a while of chitchatting, she asked me the most curious thing in the world.  J told me that she came in with a guy and that he went to the host school as well and maybe I’d like to hang out with them.  She also said that he seemed to be enamored by her, so maybe I could distract him so she “kood mit ah-der pee-pol.”  (Yes, that’s how she said it…ha!) Was this girl serious?  Normally, I would have called her out and tell her she was full of shit, but for some reason, I just said sure, why not. 

Before we could meet the so-called clinger, there was a part in the convention when we had to greet someone we had never met before and asked them for their name and for something about them they’d be willing to share and write the info on this sheet of paper we were given.  Imagine Love Connection – for Catholics….lol!  I’m a people person, so asking people for anything was not going to be a problem, and for the most part, the cuties (yes, I targeted the guys) were very indulging.  As a matter of fact, I remember exchanging phone numbers with some of them.  Then, 5 minutes before the introduction part ended, there was this one guy who not only did not say hi, but just pretty much shoved the paper to my face.  I gave him the look of death, remembered his face, and said to myself, “Son better watch his  back because I’ll be beating his white arse when  I see him outside.”  You don’t do that to a Brooklyn girl….EVAH!  (Yeah, I know we moved to Queens by then, but who cares?  I’ll always be a Brooklyn girl). 

After the introduction session,  I  went to see BK who was now sitting with J and told them about the asshole I just met.  I was fuming and told them that jackass better not show himself to me because I will beat the crap out of him.  It didn’t matter that he was 6 foot tall; his behind was mine.  BK and J were very sympathetic, even agreeing with me  that what that jerk did was uncalled for.  Then, J said, “Oh, there’s my friend.  He’s going to sit with us and I’ll introduce you to him.”  I turned around and who came near our table but that jerk!  OH-EM-GEE!  I gave BK a look and she started laughing.  She then said, “Nah, he’s a good guy.  Trust me.”  Uh-huh.  A while ago, she had my back and now…….hmmm.  Even worse, I agreed to keep this mofo company.  Ugh!  What did I get myself into?

So, asshole was introduced to me.  I still gave  him my “you’re dead” look, but it wasn’t the time for my murderous scheme to materialize.  I had a plan, and if there’s one thing everybody knows about me, it's that I’m devious.  I will get to know what his weakness is, and I will use it to make him suffer….bwahahahah!

I learned that he was already in college(Yeah, hanging out with a bunch of minors, you perv!  I don’t care if you just turned 19.), that he graduated from the host school we were in, that he was taking Accounting as a major, and that he worked in the rectory.  I also learned that his birthday is in September, he can emulate cartoon voices (quite very good, as a matter of fact), and that he is the only child.  He would have loved to have a little brother or sister, but as luck would have it, it wasn’t meant to be.  He is of Irish-Welch descent from Canada, but his parents are from Brooklyn.  He lived in Ridgewood, and he loves to swim.   I have learned so many things about the jerk throughout the night, and when the night was over, I just realized that I have spent the whole time talking to this guy whose demise I was planning.  My plan better work if I spent a whole evening getting to know this absurdly really nice guy, I thought. 

I have to admit though, from what I have learned, this guy seemed to be a really good guy and for the first time that night, I noticed that he has this gorgeous pale blue eyes that radiate both kindheartedness and strength.  He had this thick blonde hair that I could imagine running my fingers through to make him feel relaxed.  His nose is perfectly shaped and his smile is very sincere.  He doesn’t talk in a condescending, cocky way that most guys I’ve met usually do, and he knows how to joke with me without being disrespectful.  He is very chivalrous without forgetting my need to be an independent woman, and he understands how important it is for me to be successful in everything that I do.  When I was mugged and beaten up, he went with one token in hand to the middle-of- nowhere hospital where I was taken to ensure that I was alright, not caring on how he would get home afterwards.  He held my hand while being stitched, and never left until he was sure I was okay.  He gives me support and understanding, even when it meant that what I have to do will take me away from him.  He has never left New York before me, yet he did not have a problem packing up and leaving just to be with me.  Most of all, he accepted me, both the good and the bad, tantrums and all, because, and he said, “Behind that façade is the woman I love.”

So, 15 years after that March evening, I am still planning my devious scheme.  I have lost touch with BK and have never seen J after that year again.  (Side note: I found out that the jerk didn’t even like J….lol!) Some would argue that I probably already have put my plan into action by marrying him, but hey, I told you, I’m evil!  Yet, admittedly, that evening I met the jerk turned out to be the night that I have met my rock, my strength, the one that I love, my husband – Cookie Monster.  This year, we are celebrating our 5-year anniversary as husband and wife.  He always tells me how lucky he is to have found me, but really, the lucky person is me.   Who else would’ve known how to tame a brat like me?

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Fuzzywuzzy aka, Cookie Monster.  I love you.  And yes, your behind will always be mine.  LOL!

What’s so Big About that C Anyway?

2008 started out a great year for me.  I was on the top of my game with work and was being honed to the next step of my career.  Cookie Monster and I decided to start our own family.  We were thinking of buying our own house so that we could actually become a family unit most couples dream of.  And to top it all off, I went to my first ever vacation cruise.  Yep, 2008 started really big and thought that it was going to be the best year of my life.  Or so I thought.

June 2008.  After a supposed routine surgery to remove a benign tumor, that is when my bliss went down the drain.  The surgeon who operated on me was initially optimistic, but after he had done a routine biopsy of the tumor, it turned out that it was malignant.  He sent it twice for testing, but the inevitable still came out – I had cancer.

When Dr. H gave Cookie Monster and me the we-have-to-talk speech, it was a surreal moment.  Of course, in true Pochie form, I was making fun of what he just told me.  When he told me that it is very rare for an orthopedist to make this diagnosis after the surgery, I remember telling him, “Well, of course, it had to be me that you’ll diagnose it with.  I’m special!” and started laughing.  I don’t know who was more scared, him or me.  Truth is, I was actually waiting for him to say afterwards, “Happy April Fool’s!” even though it was June.  I mean, seriously, of all things, Cancer?  Son of a bitch!

The very first thing I did after that visit was call my boss to tell him that the 3-month leave was going to be extended to probably a year.  Of course, he asked me why and had to explain it to him that since I don’t want to go back yet, I had myself diagnosed with osteosarcoma.  I don’t think he liked my joke that much….lol!  I know what you’re thinking – why did I tell my boss first.  You see, you have to understand, for me to start thinking logically, I have to do the most illogical response first.  That way, I can tell myself to snap out of it and start thinking of my next step.  After that conversation, I looked at Cookie Monster and started doing what most people don’t know I’m capable of doing – I started to cry.

Unlike most people afflicted with it,  I didn’t do any research on cancer.  Why should I?  I took enough Science classes to understand what it is.  It is not a laughing matter, I know, but I don’t need to know how it’s going to kill me.  Many people, bless their hearts, started sending me literature and information on what to expect.  Okay, for the first time, I’m going to admit this – I didn’t read any of them, except for one book.  All truly, I didn’t see the need to know that cells in my body started to emulate my character and became independent thinkers on their own….lol!  All I really cared about was how I was gonna look without hair!

I went with my mom and brother half-heartedly to MD Anderson for consultation.  The way I looked at it, I’ll just go to satisfy those around me, but I wasn’t going for the treatment.  If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die my way.  Of course, when I went to see Dr. L, the very first thing she told me was, “The leg is gonna have to go.”  That’s when all hell broke loose.  I told her to go fuck herself and if she really wanted to amputate, then she can go cut her own leg.  Okay, okay….that’s not what I said, but I sure as heck did think it!  I looked at her and said, “I don’t have to lose anything because you’re just consulting with me and if you’re telling me that I’m gonna lose my leg, then I’ll take my chances with it intact.”  That is when she brought in Dr. B.  Apparently, it is a consultation with both surgeon and oncologist, so I have to meet with both of them.  Don’t get me wrong, Dr. L is one of the excellent surgeons in the country, but it probably has been a while since she met a fellow New Yorker, so our characters pretty much clashed.  Dr. B, on the other hand, is very fatherly.  Plus, he probably read me and knew how to get me to do things.  The conversation with him was pretty much a back and forth, clash of the wills kind of thing.  However, the one thing that, up to this day, stuck in my head to make me think things through was when he said, “You have a 70% chance of beating this if you act now.  Why are you being selfish and letting this chance go when most people who are in the last stages of cancer and have zero chance of surviving are more than willing to do what you are not?”  Seriously, how do you answer that?  I still think it’s Divine intervention.  How else does he know that guilt is my biggest weakness?

Even after that conversation with Drs. L and B, I was still hesitant to go through the treatment.  All I could think about are the things that I have yet to do – go on vacation, go on the helicopter training for work, try to have a baby.   Just when I have already made up my mind that I’m not going through it, a little child, a little boy, probably 8 but no older than 10, started running around the cafeteria.  The kid was bald, glowing, and bloated – the look of a chemo patient.  Although he looked tired, he had that smile on his face that you could not wipe.  He was just walking around as if the world is his playground, and not even caring at the people around him giving him the “I’m sorry” look.  This kid, a cancer patient, was taking his storm in stride and giving cancer a kick in the ass.  That’s when the voice inside me asked, “If this kid can do it, what are you so afraid of?  What’s the big deal?”  Right then and there, I decided.

So, it has been a little over two years now since I was diagnosed with bone cancer.  This coming February, it will be two years since my last treatment.  In between, I have gone to Canada, gone back to work, and now, looking forward to what the future brings.  There are a lot of curve balls still being pitched my way, but none as serious as the cancer diagnosis.  Yet, here I am, telling you what my experience with the disease was.   

Sometimes, I hear people call it the Big C.  However, I remember that kid in the cafeteria and ask, what’s so big about cancer anyway?  Mine was just as big as a golf ball.  I may have had cancer, but it didn’t have me.  Even if it returns with a vengeance, then it can go shove itself where the high heavens don’t even want to know where, because I will never allow it to have me.  I will still have the last say on when to say when.

Tell Your Wife I Said Hello

I was listening to War of the Roses this past Thursday.  WOR, for those who want to know, is a radio segment in one of the stations I listen to on my way to work.  The set up is the hosts call an alleged cheating spouse, mostly husbands, and pretend-offer them to send on their behalf a dozen long stem roses to anybody they want to, not knowing their partner is on the other line.  If they send the roses to a different person, then BAM – secret’s out and all hell has broken loose.  As expected, the spouse is indeed cheating on his wife, yada yada yada, and they take it off the air for further discussion, but that’s not what bothered me the most.  You see, in this particular episode, the woman he is cheating with actually knew he is married, which is the reason why she went out with him in the first place.  In short, she only dates married men!

 As I try to regain my senses, she further explains that she doesn’t care what other people think (yeah, that’s why she hides behind a fake name) and that it is not her fault that married men attract her.  Now, most people, myself included, would think that this girl’s batsh-t crazy.  I know there’s a shortage of good men, but come on!  Then, I remember during my wedding preparation days when I would go to a bb community in The Knot, I came across a topic about “the other person” and how there are actually a lot of men and women out there deliberately having affairs with married people.  They even have websites (no, I’m not giving it to you, but Google is your friend) that actually give support to those who are the extras in the extramarital affairs.  Needless to say, the WOR incident is not as uncommon as we’d like to think. 

To make matters even more…….interesting in my head, my husband, Cookie Monster, told me of an incident that happened when he was working in his 2^nd job. You see, he works as a security officer for a club and like any other guy in uniform who works in that environment, he (and his partner, I would imagine) would get all kinds of proposals from inebriated women.  One night, there was this girl who was trying to really have a thing going with him.  When he told her he’s married, skanky hoe (hey, she’s hitting on my husband.  I can call her whatever I like!) says to him, “That’s okay, I don’t want any commitments.”  Of course, nothing happened (trust me, I’m VERY sure), but this left Cookie Monster and me picking our jaws up the floor!  I just couldn’t fathom what this girl was thinking!  

So, I revisited that website to try and understand why these people get into affairs even when they know the person they’re having coitus is married already.  Non-commitment is just too shallow of a reason, even for them.  Browsing through the stories, I was actually surprised that a lot of them know that the chances of the married people they have extramarital affairs with leaving their spouses are slim to none.  They even have a code of conduct on how to behave as the other person.  Yet, even though they know that the people they are having forbidden loves will more likely leave them, they are content with what they have.  Many have found happiness with their lovers that they’ve been missing and trying to find and if this is the only way they could achieve their happiness, then they are willing to take the chance of being humiliated in public.  Some have been publicly maligned to the point that they have relocated to start a new life.  From their heartfelt stories, I was almost feeling sympathy for them.  Almost.

While I understand that they have found some sort of happiness and contentment with their lovers, the fact is, they can possibly cause a deep hurt to another person, namely their lover’s spouse and in most cases, children.  Whether the marriage is an unhappy one or both husband and wife have gone to the proverbial “growing apart” phase, the fact is, they are still married.  If the marriage is falling apart, it will fall apart.  However, being involved with the married person is like adding fuel to the fire, and whether your lover stays with you or the spouse, chances are, there will always be that lingering guilt inside of you in the end.  Additionally, many of these cheating spouses are, from what I have seen so far, a bunch of selfish donkey brains that even if you enter into the relationship with your self-confidence intact, they can manage to make you feel like a horse’s dung in the end.  Furthermore, there is that stigma that looms over your head that would make you feel dirty whenever you get out of your house.  Let’s face it, not everybody can wear the scarlet letter like Hester.

Then, there’s our original cheater’s accomplice.  She states that she really does not care what people think and she will continue to do whatever she wants to do.  Well, bravo for her, but really, who is she fooling?  She called in and gave a different name!  A lot of the times, the pressure of being labeled as a home-wrecker can be too much.  Some people decide to move to a different place where nobody knows them.  There are those who foolishly wait for their lovers to leave their spouses, thinking that the love they have will be strong enough to withstand all tribulations.  Come to find out, the lovers are either really happily married but are just really serial cheaters or are just trying to live a fantasy of having a mistress-on-call.  Lastly, there are others who get so depressed that at times, they think of committing suicide and sadly, many of them do.  If all these things are worth going through just for your happiness, then more power to you.  

Look, I am not trying to be judgmental about the choices they make—we all have free will at our disposal.  Nonetheless, I can’t help but wonder exactly why people would go into a complicated relationship such as this.  I know that the search for happiness is what we strive for, yet you have to ask this – is your happiness really worth it when you knowingly caused heartache to someone who didn’t do anything directly wrong to you, whether they deserve it or not?  If that so-called soulmate you found is really the one, is it really that hard to wait until he or she is fully unattached before you start a relationship with them? 

In the end, we all have the right to do whatever we want to do and the responsibility to own up to the consequences of our actions.  You really don’t need MY or anybody else’s blessing to do what you want to do.  Just don’t go hitting on my husband, or you will find yourself experiencing what it feels like to be in The Hostel….LOL!

So You're Into S&M, Huh???

Lately, it seems that there is one common ground between my friends’ relationships with their partners – unhappiness.  Whether it’s a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, partner, lover, FWB, or whatever the other person is to them, there is a high level of discontentment.  

So, I usually ask the obvious in that what makes them stay if there is a disconnection with their partners and here are the answers I’ve received:

•   I love her, but I’m not in love with her 
•   Divorce costs too much
• We can work things out
• For the sake of the children (Great – make your children feel guilty for your unhappiness)
•  And my all time favorite – the sex is great.

Yet, just when I’ve heard it all, there is one reason given to me lately that boggles the mind.  A friend of mine told me it’s because he’d rather settle for a mediocre relationship rather than be alone.  Oh boy! Now, if you know me, telling me that reason would really get on my nerves big time.

I know that being alone can be lonely, most especially when your life seems to be on a standstill.  So, when a person enters into a relationship with someone, the hope of eternal bliss will always be there, thinking that nothing’s going to stop it from blooming.  However, what people tend to forget is that relationships have a 50/50 chance of surviving.  It either works or it doesn’t.   Sometimes, people are just like oil and vinegar – they don’t mix.  So, in the end, what is supposed to be fairy tale ending of happily ever after sometimes actually is just another chapter of an ongoing novel.  So, if the novel is not finished, why put the book down? 

In some cultures, being in your 30’s and unmarried is frowned upon.  There are some that would even cruelly tell single people that they should not be choosy since they are not getting any younger.  A friend of mine endured this one time and I couldn’t help but say to that obnoxious elderly, “Well, you should start making amends to the people you crossed since death is just around the corner.”  (Yeah, I know, but she started it!)  What I don’t get is, why is it more important to be with someone you can’t even stand rather than to search for that one person who will complete you?  Why would you enter into an unhappy relationship just as so you can escape being an unhappy single? 

I guess the only thing I could surmise is that people really are into sadomasochism.  They have got to be!  Why else would they keep on hanging onto something that brings them nothing but misery?  Until they realize that a happy relationship is a two-way street where both persons work equally hard to achieve a unified happiness, settling just as so they don’t have to be single anymore counts as an S&M fetish.   So, ask yourself, are you into S&M?

And you thought this post was going to be naughty…………LOL!

Really?

Every time I read or hear about what’s going in the world, whether it be CNN, local newspaper, or Perez Hilton’s website, I get the feeling that the world is about to go down the drain with no hope of redemption.  I mean, seriously, the very first thing I see when I log on to my Yahoo is Osama Bin Laden’s face and under it, more headlines about bombings, recessions, and crimes.  So, really, do you blame me for thinking we are nearing Apocalypse?

However, just as when I am about to do what the Heaven's Gate cult did and wait for my comet to whisk me away to safety, I meet people who show me there is always a silver lining.  Just this Saturday, while attending a cancer meeting in which the topic was the importance of exercise, I voiced out my frustration about my inability to work out the way I used to.  Since I lost my leg, my natural klutziness has been amplified by a missing, um, stand…LOL!  So, as you can imagine, between trying to balance myself and actually strengthening the what I'd like to refer to as soft tissues on my baloney, working out is just something that is not possible.   A lot of suggestions were made, all costing money.  Now, I don’t know about you, but our source of income is not from the money tree or the duck that lays golden eggs, so anything that has a monetary cost to it is something that I don’t want to think about. 

Enter Mr. Good guy.  Let’s call him Bill.  (Okay, that’s his name, but exactly how uncommon is Bill anyway?)  He told me that he has a recumbent  bike in his house.  It has all the parts and manual that went with it when he bought it and that if I want the bike, I can have it.  I gave him the WTF look (NB: I always have a WTF look…LOL!), looked at my husband who was with me, and looked at him again, all the while, thinking to myself, “This guy probably thinks I have the money for this shizzit.”  Rather than giving him my NY-acquired attitude, I just skeptically asked, “How much do you want for it?” 

His reply floored me, not because it was an exorbitant amount, or because I thought he was being fresh.  He sincerely and simply said, “Nothing.”  Really!  He said, “Nothing.”  He then added that I was doing him a favor since it’s only collecting dust in his garage.  He still kept on talking and explaining on what it does, but in my head, all I could think about was, “Really?” 

So, what am I getting at here?  See, we live in a cynical world.  Time and time again, the media highlights all the bad things in the world that may lead us to believe that good people are just things of the past.  In addition, there are people out there who are just evil both innately and by choice.  These elements will lead most people, myself included, to think that we are all alone and it’s every person for themselves.  Yet, just as when it seems that the world is about to crumble, there are people like Bill who assure us that just as evil is everywhere, so is goodness.   It is up to us whether we want to succumb to darkness or look for that glimmer of hope. 

 So, thank you Bill.  Thank you for that glimmer of hope.